acontritemess | Hello? It's me...

Hello? It's me...

(Oh dear God, I quoted an Adele song...)

[Though the last year had been an eventful one, Kevin still wasn't questioning his decision to leave, though it did make the nights lonely. Spending 20 years that close to the only family you had left only to all start going their separate ways all at once would do that to a guy.

It's been 6 months since he'd spoken with Chase, and if he was honest with himself, it was a miracle they'd lasted that long. After Dahlia had rolled into town, he knew it was time to move on. He was still sad Cat had decided to stay behind with Chase rather than come with him, but he also knew she was the most confused of all of them. To say she'd had a weird childhood, even for a werewolf, was the understatement of the century.

He and Toby had done their best to make sure she had some sense of normalcy, but there was only so much they could do.

He'd wandered around a lot after leaving Ohio behind, not really sure where to head, but knowing he didn't want to leave the north. He just preferred the weather. The idea of going back to New York never crossed his mind, at least not to stay. He couldn't, with with all the scents and urges warring in his mind. At his heart, Kevin was a simple guy, so the little town of Grand Marais, MN ended up being the best place he found.

It wasn't until falling into the monotony of getting up, patrolling town, which just looked like going for a walk to all the humans in town, going to work, and going home, that he really started to get homesick. He hadn't really felt like he was at home in any place for the last 20 years. Grand Marais wasn't even feeling like home after three months there, but his family. That was home. He missed them.

He'd let too much time passed. Eventually, he decides just to see if Toby still has the same number. It's long distance, but he doesn't care. He just wants to talk to his big brother, and let him know what's been going on.]

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[Of course he was going to see Natalia. He hadn't reported in in a week. She frowned.]

Don't keep me waiting too long.

[And she turned to go, heading down to the cafeteria lead by her stomach. She's pretty sure they'd missed lunch today. What she wasn't prepared for was all the staring. She made her way into the cafeteria and to the bar, flashing Gus a friendly smile. She'd come to be fond of the old guy, and now, she guessed, he was sort of like her dad.

Gus turned toward her, nostrils flaring. Well, it was about time they left the room, though thinking back, it'd been about the same amount of time for him and Kelsey, and if he was a betting man, he'd say leaving had been her idea, not Toby's. It sure as hell hadn't been his.]

Hey, kiddo. [And he smiled.] You look hungry. Working up an appetite?

[Her face flushed as her cheeks colored but she smiled through it, raising her chin in defiance of her embarrassment.] Something like that, yeah.

[He chuckled a knowing chuckle.] So, what'll it be?

[She bit her lip for a moment.] Something bloody.

[Toby watches as Cas turns down the hall and then heads towards his destination. He isn't looking forward to this. He wishes that Cas could always be with him though he knows that it makes no sense if he were to approach it logically. A strange sense of dread settled in his stomach when she was away and he realized as he stepped down that hall that he now had a greater weakness than before. At the same time it could be a strength, that's what his mother had been trying to tell him, but it was still difficult to understand.

When he approached the door he waited just outside of it. He didn't bother knocking, she knew he was there and he'd be invited inside or not. After about ten minutes Toby heard the familiar voice call out 'come in' and as always, Toby followed her instructions.

Thirty minutes later he shows up at the cafeteria. If anyone comments to him he doesn't listen or doesn't care. His sisters would be silenced with a stare if there chatter persists on the subject, otherwise he'll take the seat next to Cas and remain his usually grumpy self. His mind sorted through his conversation with Natalia and he was focusing on little else. He wonders if Gus knows what he does for her, he's never spoken enough words with his father to ask. He'll ask if Cas wants to come along but he has to do his job before they can leave. Even then he hasn't told Natalia those plans.]

[At this point, Cas could tell something was bothering Toby. She was curious what Natalia had to say. She didn't like the way the vampire used him, and now that they'd mated, that seemed like a pressing matter to attend to. Maybe she'd go have a talk with her, but first, she'd take care of her mate.

She slid the plate of food she'd ordered for him, hashbrowns, steak, and eggs, over to him.] Eat.

[She took a breath and took a bite of her own food.] So, what did Natalia have to say?

[Toby looks at the plate curiously before picking up a fork from the table. It looks good, not that he's a particularly picky eater. His stomach grumbles loudly as he takes the first bite of food. Cas might have to wait a minute or two before he answers her because he's eating quickly, if only to settle the raging hole in his stomach. With half his plate devoured he paused to speak.]

I have to leave at sun-up.

[Which gives him a few hours to rest, pack and leave.]

Will you come with me?

[Toby takes another bite of his food, now eating more slowly than before.]

[She waits patiently through Toby's eating, knowing his appetite, even if he doesn't voice his hunger most of the time. She frowns at the vague comment.]

That's it? We leave at sun-up?

[She doesn't bother to answer whether or not she'll be coming. Clearly that's a yes.]

[Toby shrugs and continues to devour what’s left of his meal. He appears to be completely content with the sudden instructions and is focused mostly on eating. When his plate is empty he turns back towards Cas.]

It’s a short distance away. We’ll take my bike and be back before night.

[In this case Toby is mostly acting as a delivery boy, not that he really minds. He wouldn’t want to bring Cas along on a mission that was potentially dangerous and for the moment he doesn’t want to be part from her. Unlike Cas, Toby doesn’t notice the oddity of the situation. He’s been doing things for Natalia since he first arrived under the stipulation that his sisters be left alone and don’t hear of the details of what he does.

He’s positive that Gus knows but then, they never talk about it.]

[She keeps her voice low out of respect for his desires, but the annoyance is pretty clear in her voice.]

Did she share anything else about this mission, or are you just supposed to jump whenever she says?

[Toby's gaze darkens, his eyes level evenly at Cas's accusation. He isn't the sort of person who releases information about such things in a public setting. The cafeteria counts as a public setting and he's well aware of the eyes that are currently on them.]

Trust me or not.

[He stands from the table, leaving part of his meal. He'd tell her more later, if she can wait that long.]

[Pauses for only a second at his turnabout, then rises after him, ignoring the people around her as much as he was, and followed him out.

She didn't say anything more until they were out of the dining hall.]

Of course I trust you, but I also know you. You think you owe the world to these people, and she takes full advantage of that.

[Toby stops and turns towards Cas.]

It’s a delivery.

[She knows what he is like and he can’t change it, he doesn’t know how but he also doesn’t want to bring her down with him. With a sigh he pulls Cas against him, his chin resting on her head.]

I do owe them and she does take advantage of that. [A snarl rises to his lips.] That’s what vampires do.

[He pulls away and looks down at her.]

But it’s my choice too.

It was war, Toby, and you were used just as much as they were.

[She knows the words are falling on deaf ears even as they leave her lips, but she says them anyway. She allows him to pull her close and rests her head against his chest.]

But when does it stop?

[Toby exhales a long breath before pulling away from Cas.]

You don't have to come. I'll be back quickly.

[He's used to making those he loves wait for him.]

[She tilts her head to the side in her typical 'really?' gesture.]

Did I say I wasn't coming?

[Toby shrugs, turning back towards his,there, room. He pushes the door open with the flat of his hand and steps inside. A short breath falls away from his lips before he turns back towards Cas.]

We leave in an hour.

[He's done talking about it.]

[She steps in behind him, glaring at his back all the way. When he turned back to her and barked his curt order, she tilted her head to the side in insolent anger.]

Say that again.

[Toby turns, staring down at her.]

Fine, I leave in an hour.

[He doesn't even understand why they are having this argument but somehow it's turn to that. He doesn't understand why she's upset or why this is a problem. He's never been questioned before.]

[Her expression darkens.]

Wrong. We leave in an hour. We live here. We are a we now, which means you don't run off at the drop of a hat without involving me in a decision, because it effects both of us now. Is that a little more clear?

[Toby doesn't move, his eyes remain fixed to Cas a soft growl gathering in his chest. He's never been challenged by his family and a part of his brain is telling him that this is his mate, it's different. A whirlwind of emotions turns in his head and knots in his chest. He rolls his shoulders trying to release the tension that's gathered and then releases a soft huff of air.]

Crystal.

[He doesn't seem like he gets it but he's trying.]

Anything else?

[She takes a deep, controlled breath and moves to his side, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his chest.]

Every decision you make effects me. Every decision I make effects you. We're not just Toby and Cas anymore. We're us. You don't get to just...go off like that, anymore, and I wouldn't either. I don't want you to, and I don't think you want to, either.

[Toby feels himself tense as her arms snake around his center. The scent of her fills his nose as her head rests against his chest. He slowly relaxes pulling his strong arms around her and holding her close.]

I know.

[He breaths out the words softly, moving to sit on the bed so he could look evenly at her.]

Habits are hard to break Cas.

[She understand where her mate's coming from and she nods, reaching out to run a hand through his hair.]

I know. [And her tone suggests that understanding also.]

But...can you at least try not to treat me like your sisters?

[It's far more difficult than he thought, he doesn't want to pull her into what he is or the monster he can be. She sees something good and him and he's holding onto that with every bit of his being.]

I'm trying.

[He breaths out the words softly, his voice sounding more defeated than before. He doesn't understand why this is so hard.]

Cas... I've killed at least one family member of everyone in HQ and thousands more. There is no way to make up for that, this is all I can do.

[She reaches out, smoothing down his hair.]

Don't push me out. I want to be a part of everything you are, because I love you. [He looks at him pointedly for a moment.] All of you. It's not like I love you to spite everything you've done. I love the part of you who protects everything that means something to him, no matter what the cost. And it's that same protector who made some really hard decisions and did some really horrible things to do just that. Not just anybody could have done the things you did.

[She squares her shoulders.] If they could, everyone would survive. You're stronger than them.

[And she moves a hand under his jaw to make sure he can't look away from her eyes.] You don't owe them anything. Nothing you did, you did by choice. Now, you can chose to keep trying to make up for a past you just said you couldn't, or you can look to the future instead. With me. It's scary, I get it. You've never looked that way before. [And this time, she leans forward and kisses him on the forehead.] But I can promise, no matter what, you're not facing it alone.

[Toby listens silently hearing the truth in Cas's tone. He can't push her away now, he's already made a decision and he knows that he can't possibly survive without Cas. His heart twists in his chest and he wishes that he might offer her some words of comfort and yet he can't.

He reaches out towards her and pulls her into his lap. His face presses against her neck inhaling the now familiar scent that lingers there. There is so much he wants to promise, so much he wants to say but the words turn to ash in his mouth. He's caught with his mind telling him one thing and hurt heart telling him another. Shielding his expression away and hiding within his embrace he whispers against Cas's neck, these words were only for her.]

I don't know how to forgive myself.

[His voice is laced with pain, an emotion that Toby often tries to force away with his usual cold and calm exterior.]

[She wraps a hand around his neck, resting her head against his. Her words were just as quiet, but soft, gentle.]

All you need to do is trust me to show you, baby. I'm not going anywhere.

Hello? It's me...

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